Tag Archives: parenthood

Down Syndrome? Meet Maddox…and stop fearing “the worst”

Have you seen this?

If only those parents facing a pre-natal diagnosis of Down Syndrome could look ahead and see the joy and love that awaits–from cuties like Maddox. In her video below, Maddox will let you in on her “gambling problem,” and how she’s winning every bet against her.

Maddox doesn’t say a word here, but her message is unforgettable.

Don’t stand by and do nothing while the world aborts 90% of girls and boys like Maddox, just because they are  different!

Pass this on and bring hope to parents who fear  “the worst.”

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Filed under Abortion, Children, Family, Fertility and Infertility, Health, Lessons Learned, Moms and Motherhood, Parenting

Dr. Kermit Gosnell, Abortion, and the Ravenous Nature of Evil

“Snip.”

That’s what I do to loose threads.  Or to a strand of hair that gets in my way.

It’s also what Dr. Kermit Gosnell did to babies, according to news reports.

Snip, dead.

I don’t know about you, but “snip” seems to me like a pretty mild word to describe actions that warrant murder charges…and that doesn’t sit well with me.

But euphemisms aren’t the only thing that troubles me about the spin on this case–and it’s a horrible case, for sure. Dr. Kermit Gosnell, a Philadelphia abortionist for over 30 years, was charged in January 2011 with eight counts of first degree murder: one count for the reckless death of an immigrant woman, 19 weeks pregnant, who was unmonitored and over-sedated during an abortion; and seven counts for the brutal killings of second trimester babies who were born alive during abortions. The grand jury report also details Gosnell’s routinely callous and dangerous treatment of his clients; it found evidence too that hundreds of babies older than the 24 week statutory limit were born alive, only to be killed by Gosnell and his employees.

In the weeks since Gosnell’s arraignment, pro-choice voices have argued around the case, grasping for a narrative that fits their worldview. Some pro-choice blogs paint Gosnell as a greedy, solo opportunist, a criminal “outlier” running a substandard clinic. Making wads of money by “chopping up poor women” who sought late-term abortions, Gosnell deserved prosecution, they say, but solely because he harmed women, “not the fact that he did abortions.”

One bad guy. One bad clinic.  That’s all.

But the “lone ranger” narrative is a hard sell to a public recoiling from the horror of murderous late-term abortions.

So one pro-choice columnist, William Saletan (Slate.com), has challenged pro-choice advocates with this question: “Is it OK to abort a viable fetus?”

Their answers reveal an extremism the abortion lobby has long sought to hide.

Four out of six pro-choice leaders answered with an unqualified “yes.” Viability doesn’t matter. Only unrestricted legal abortion would prevent women from feeling desperate–and desperation created Gosnell’s market niche. Their mantra: “trust women” to make the right decision. The ultimate moral value: autonomy.

One abortion provider, Ann Furedi, the head of Britain’s leading abortion service, admits up front that the baby is human from the moment of conception. She argues cogently that arbitrary age or viability restrictions make no sense.

“[A]re we really so shallow, so fickle, as to let our view on moral worth be determined by appearance? …Even if at five weeks we can only see an embryonic pole, we know that it is human. The heart that can be seen beating on an ultrasound scan at six weeks is as much a human heart as the one that beats five months later….from the time of conception, as soon as embryonic cells begin to divide, an entity with the potential to become a person is created…unless its development is interrupted or fails, it will be born as a child….is there anything qualitatively different about a fetus at, say, 28 weeks that gives it a morally different status to a fetus at 18 weeks or even eight weeks?”

It’s a startling admission—but ice-cold in its conclusion: though human, the baby is not a “person” and not entitled to any protections. In Furedi’s absolutist view, any solution a woman chooses—even death for a near-full-term baby—is a “moral” solution.

For now, pro-choice have rallied around the cause of ‘easy access’ to early abortion and emergency contraception as the way to avoid more cases in the Gosnell mold of late-term brutality.

It’s an untenable solution, given the humanity of the unborn child.

But it’s also a solution doomed to fail on its own terms: evil, given a foothold, only advances, never retreats.

And perhaps that’s one good that might emerge from Gosnell’s killings: a renewed sense, in our own hearts and souls, of the ravenous power of evil.

If we dismiss Gosnell as an aberration, one bad apple in a barrel of good abortionists, how do we explain the cascade of ordinary people tumbling out of this story who looked away when they saw his atrocities? Who stood next to him, helping, as he “snipped” babies’ spines? Or worse, followed his lead and committed the same despicable acts themselves?

But if we understand the mayhem in Kermit Gosnell’s clinic as a case study in the power of evil unleashed, we can make sense out of his own moral degeneration—the progressive cruelty towards women seeking abortions, the abortions on bigger, older babies, and the uninhibited killing of live-born infants as “standard procedure.”

In Philadelphia, evil arrived when Gosnell’s abortion clinic first opened for business, years before the second trimester killings began. As each baby arrived, nestled in its mother’s womb, and left—dead—bagged as medical waste, Gosnell’s heart hardened. Under legal cover, his conscience died a slow death too.  In fact, at his arraignment, he professed bewilderment that he was being charged in the babies’ deaths.

It’s not surprising, in one sense. A heart that embraces killing innocent human beings up to 24 weeks won’t flinch at killing at 25 weeks. And the flimsy legislative partition of viability has little hope of containing the evil unloosed by the doctor’s lethal, but legal, first trimester work.

Like poison gas, evil seeps under arbitrary barriers, gradually sickening those who remain in its presence, numbing their hearts and sedating their consciences. It corrupts the souls of those who tarry long in its presence—even ordinary people who perhaps mean well initially.

And that’s exactly what happened in this case. Gosnell’s employees watched, accepted, and embraced the evil–a marriage finally consummated as scissors pierced soft newborn skin. The grand jury report noted that, “Over the years, there were hundreds of ‘snippings’…all the employees of the Women’s Medical Society knew. Everyone there acted as if it wasn’t murder at all.”

And what about us? We read numbers (24, 28 weeks), scientific terms (viable fetus), and euphemisms for killing (“snipping”).  We get used to them. They lessen our urgency and blunt our response to evil.  A few days pass, the story fades, and unemployment and tight budgets move to the fore.

I’m not one who favors gruesome pictures of aborted babies as a tool for public debate or evangelism—their indiscriminate use often causes more harm than good and lacks compassion towards women who’ve had abortions. But those of us who pray, work, and sacrifice for the sake of the unborn and their mothers sometimes need a visual reminder of what’s at stake.

Consider taking a look at the grand jury report in Dr. Gosnell’s case, downloadable here. It’s over 200 pages—but words can’t express what happened there.  Spend two minutes with the photos, however, and you’ll forget numbers and remember faces. And you’ll know why we’re fighting this battle.

And “snipping” will forever have a whole new meaning.

© 2011 Mary Rice Hasson

 

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Filed under Abortion, Children, Contraception, Fertility and Infertility, Policy and Culture, Women

Balancing Work and Motherhood: What Will You Tell Your Daughter?

The Washington Post story caught my eye: “The Return: A stay-at-home mom attempts to go back to work after nearly two decades. Can she revive her career?” Maybe it was the choice of verbs (“attempts,” “revive”), but the headline sounded discouraging from the outset. The story followed the tears and travails of Amy, a former lawyer, as she pounded the pavement trying to break back into her profession after seventeen years as a stay-at-home mom.

Her story resonated with me, in many respects.  As a young lawyer, Amy’s resolve to stay home with her children crystallized when she interviewed a nanny candidate for her first-born. The nanny asked what her duties would be. Amy’s reply, “To love my baby,” unleashed her own tears and a surging determination to stay home with her new baby.  I understand. As a young lawyer, I worked for a progressive law firm, one of the few back then to offer paid maternity leave and a short-term, part-time option. But “part-time” after a six-week maternity leave meant a forty-hour week– definitely better than a lawyer’s more typical 70 hours, but not compatible with my vision of motherhood. Telecommuting, back in the pre-Internet world, was not an option.

Like Amy, I’ve never regretted my years at home. In fact, I’ve cherished the chance to spend so much time with my kids, shaping their hearts and minds. But, like Amy, many of us know that “stay-at-home” is not a forever decision. Life happens.  And life as a mom changes as well.

Amy felt the pinch first of her husband’s unemployment and later of impending college tuitions. In my circles, the back to work trend is unmistakable, but the reasons are as varied as the women themselves. For some, the unwelcome impetus comes from a marriage ended or a spouse’s disability or death. For others, the youngest child’s first day of school begins a new chapter of life, promising time for career opportunities. For a few, restlessness sets in, prompting 40-somethings to “retire” from full-time motherhood after 20 years. And for many families, the catalyst is spelled T-U-I-T-I-O-N, as in college. Especially in larger families, older teens head off to universities as a long line of younger siblings (and tuition bills) queue up behind.

So how hard is it to get back in the saddle? For Amy, ten years of sporadic resume-sending yielded only temp positions: low-wage, legal drudgery. When her youngest turned eleven, Amy searched strategically: an iRelaunch seminar, personal coaching from a re-entry counselor, and networking with a vengeance landed her a full-time job as an attorney—after nine long months.

While ultimately successful, Amy’s experience proved far more difficult than anticipated. (Indeed, comments on the Post’s online chat revealed general skepticism that someone with a 17-year employment gap would be likely to find a full-time job as an attorney.) At fifty-two, competing for jobs with people half her age but twice her experience, her confidence took a dive. Feeling “old and unemployable,” she perceived subtle age discrimination at work. “Since they can’t say, ‘nobody over 30,’ they say ‘fast-paced.’”

I appreciated that the article–and the author’s later online chat—respected Amy’s initial choice to be a full-time mom.  I was disappointed, however, that her re-entry served up a false dichotomy—full-time employment versus stay-at-home mom—a dramatic switch that does not seem to reflect the typical mom experience. The reality of modern family life is more fluid, as moms move in and out of the workforce according to their personal desires and family needs.

Their work patterns vary (part-time, work at home, weekends-only, telecommuting, part-time accelerating to full-time, or full-time decelerating to part-time or stay-at-home). Two-thirds of moms with children under 18 are employed at least part-time—but part-time is clearly their preferred option (62% prefer part-time, while 37% prefer full-time). According to a Pew study, even those mothers who do work full-time favor part-time work (49%) over full-time work (29%) and staying at home (21%). And 80% of mothers who already work part-time believe their situation is ideal. While 48% of stay-at-home moms are happy to be home, another third would prefer to be employed part-time.

My own perception is that for moms returning to work, age discrimination is less of a factor than the limitations imposed by the reality of raising children: our school-age kids and teens still need us, so part-time, flexible, or variable hours are more appealing.  Working moms often prioritize flexibility and variable hours at the expense of a full-time career track or higher pay. While a few moms I know have husbands who work at home or who assume primary caregiving, this is neither the norm nor the likely future. In stark contrast to moms, dads express a clear preference for full-time (79%) over part-time (21%) work.

Moms may prefer part-time work, but only 26% of us are able to find it.  Employers have a different set of priorities. The work-world has simultaneously become more accommodating to moms (with telecommuting, flex-time, and job-sharing opportunities) and less so (24/7 availability, expectations of immediate responses, via Blackberry, relentless deadlines, and a fast-paced and heavy workload that preoccupies the mind around the clock.) A standard line in employment ads, in Washington, D.C. at least, typically includes something like this: “Demonstrated ability to cope in a high-stress, high-pressure, fast-paced environment and be able to multi-task and meet deadlines.”

They mean besides motherhood.

Among the women I know, the preference for greater control over hours—and flexibility to meet their children’s needs, often prompts change and creativity. Some have switched professions entirely, while others (teachers and nurses especially) had kept their credentials current and turned occasional work into full-time hours. A few entrepreneurial-types created home-based businesses, often with their children’s active participation. But frustrations and uncertainty still surround the issue of balancing work and motherhood.

Without a crystal ball (or revelation from God), it’s hard to predict what the economic situation and employment landscape will look like for our daughters.  But the needs of children—for love, attention, caring, and formation—remain the same.  I’ll share my own thoughts at a later date, but for now I want to pose the question to you: what advice will you give to your daughters as they survey their educational choices and their likely career options? What will you tell them about balancing motherhood and work?

© 2010 Mary Rice Hasson

This blog originally appeared at Phases of Womanhood

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Sports or ‘Soft Kids’? (Revisited)

Who would have thought that insisting on the benefit of playing sports would be so controversial? To those who joined the discussion, thanks for your comments. I hope we can discuss other parenting topics in the coming months. Here’s how I net out this topic (sports): First, every family is different and let’s presume we are all trying to make prudent, wise decisions for our children’s good.

Second, as parents, we need to have a plan—some principles, concrete objectives, and actual follow-through—if we are going to succeed in raising children of strong character.  We need more than the “plant theory” of child-raising (feed ‘em, water ’em, make sure they get plenty of sunshine, and just watch them grow).

I’ll unpack general principles of good character formation another time, but the relevant point here is this: our kids need to engage in sustained, challenging, physical activity on a regular basis. (That’s a more general definition of “sports,” but  “sports” is my shorthand.) In the U.S., “sports” typically means organized team sports or individual sports, but certainly could be pursued otherwise (as Darcy’s comment shows—she’s got a basketball team of boys under her own roof). If your kids are not doing sports, what are they doing to stay fit and to challenge themselves physically, nearly every day?  What realistic plan do you pursue to make that happen?

My experience is that most kids who are not doing sports actually do nothing physical—or at least nothing that’s physically challenging on a regular basis. And that will indeed make them “soft.” It does them a disservice for life.

Why do they need to do sports? Because, as I argue in my original piece,  we are physical beings.  We are made to move and to be strong—and failing to care for ourselves physically makes us less balanced as a person.  It’s like trying to craft a stable chair with one leg made of spaghetti.  Most importantly, physical challenges—like sports—test the character in a way that sedentary pursuits or passive sacrifices (however real) do not.  Like it or not, our life will entail physical—bodily—sufferings and challenges.  Those sufferings and difficulties easily can make us bitter, self-pitying, and resentful rather than holy. The simple fact is that when it comes to virtue, practice makes perfect (almost, anyway)—it just plain helps to have pushed oneself and persevered through physical challenges, with the right attitude.  We become enabled, not disabled, by overcoming difficulty.

The character-building benefits of sports begin with physical testing and pushing our limits, but they extend beyond that to so many other important aspects.  There’s neither time nor space to list them all, but I’ll throw out a few examples: When a 13-year-old playing basketball gets elbowed or fouled on purpose—and it hurts—but the ref doesn’t call it, he learns to control his temper, to resist provocation, to focus on the game, and be a good sport—no matter how much it hurts.  When a runner trains and trains for the CYO track meet, only to sprain an ankle the week before the race, she learns to overcome disappointment, to show up and generously cheer for teammates, and to persevere through the arduous work of getting back in shape all over again, after the injury is healed, but with no trophy or prize to show for her effort.  And when an eight-year-old who is gifted athletically wants to hog the ball and score ten goals–just because he can–he learns to pass, to give others the chance to score, to teach and encourage others less-skilled, to be modest instead of boastful, and to avoid criticizing the mistakes of others.

For the un-athletic child, participating in sports might be even more important. Perhaps that child’s inclination is to avoid physically difficult tasks, or to avoid the social embarrassment of being “the worst.”  To me, it’s better to help the child learn, instilling competency, confidence, and determination to do her best rather than quit. At the same time, it’s up to parents to find a sport which is do-able, fits the child’s temperament, and that provides opportunity for skill development rather than failure.  (For example, kids who don’t enjoy head-to-head competition sometimes thrive in a sport like tae kwan do; it emphasizes personal mastery, progression according to specific skills, and mixed-age classes so there’s no worry about lagging behind age-mates.) The specific goal for a child who dislikes sports (fitness, social confidence) will be different from the one who excels in them (scholarships, excellence).  But for both children, important character training takes place in the pursuit of those goals. If we are motivated to find the options, and believe in their value, there’s a sports-fit for nearly everyone.

A final observation…I spent over a year caring for my mother-in-law during her final illness and spent many hours with other sick, elderly, and dying people.  Old age, illness, and dying are not easy. When we’re in the throes of suffering, it’s too late to prepare.  We just have to deal.  And those who are “soft” ultimately suffer more, because they are unprepared to face physical hardship.  That’s true not just at the end of life, but at every stage.  Who wants that for their kids? We can do better.

Enough said. It’s a beautiful day and I’m heading outside…to soccer.

(c) 2010 Mary Rice Hasson
See more blogs at Phases of Womanhood

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Are We Raising ‘Soft’ Kids? Why Sports Are Non-Negotiable in My Family

Millions of us watched the Olympics, awed by the artistry of sheer physical excellence. The stirring theme song has been silent now for weeks, and we’re back to our ordinary routines of work, school, and whatever. For an increasing number of our kids, however, the “whatever” is less and less likely to involve sports. By age 13, 70% of kids have dropped out of organized sports—and, often, out of physical activity altogether.

The media and celebrities, including Michelle Obama, are all over the issue of childhood obesity; encouraging kids to play sports is certainly one way to keep our kids healthy. We live in a sedentary, information-oriented world. Gone are the days when a child’s day naturally involved physical work or even vigorous outdoor play in the neighborhood. Today’s kids are more likely to be working their thumbs on cell phones or Play Station than working out, unless mom and dad shuttle them to sports practices.

From my perspective, however, the value of sports is way bigger than lowering cholesterol and shedding pounds. Training for and competing in sports are necessary to give our kids the mental toughness they need not only to succeed in life, but also to become saints.  When we let our kids drop out of or avoid sports activities, we run the risk of raising ‘soft’ kids who can’t endure the natural physical difficulties of life without complaint, therapy, or giving up. That’s no way to build a strong human being, and it’s certainly not what makes saints.

It troubles me when I see parents—especially those who are doing a great job forming their kids intellectually and spiritually–undervalue the role of sports. I hear parents say with a shrug that their kids “aren’t interested” in playing sports. They just “don’t want to.” (Certainly problems like high-pressure coaches may contribute to a child’s reluctance—but that’s a topic for another discussion.) Other parents, especially those whose children are more inclined to reading, music, or art, see no need for their children to waste time on sports when their natural gifts lie elsewhere. So all these kids quit sports, or never even get started. I think that’s a huge mistake.

Our children need to build the habit—in body and mind–of facing physical difficulty with perseverance, goal-orientation, and confidence.  We must help them learn to master their bodies–to integrate their choice to pursue the good with the habitual capacity to follow through. Otherwise, their good intentions and untested “virtues” will easily crumble in the face of the physical challenges that simply cannot be avoided in life.

Life is often painful, sweaty, and uncomfortable. Just like sports. We don’t get to choose whether to “sign up” for chronic illness, devastating disease, or even old age.  And while we don’t want to frame our kids’ participation in sports around preparing them for the really bad things in life, we as parents need to keep in mind that we cannot prevent physical suffering for our kids.  We can only prepare them for it: we can help them build virtue in the face of it.

A friend’s daughter developed a brain tumor at 10 and suffered through two years of painful treatments and increasing disability before dying, but it was her athletic spirit that kept her fighting. Even at her young age, she had learned how to take pain and push through it, keeping her mind’s eye on the goal.  Before she got sick, it meant running laps and doing wind sprints for basketball, so that she’d have the stamina to score with her signature layup all through the game. After she become ill, it meant eating when she didn’t want to and continuing normal activities that were suddenly grueling. Restored health and functioning were the goals set before her. And as it became clear that she was losing the physical battle, she shifted her goal and kept her eyes on her eternal prize, knowing that her sufferings would turn into elation when the final buzzer sounded.  Both in life and in dying, her physical courage intertwined with simple faith. Not a coincidence.

Just as we can’t choose whether to sign up for physical challenges, neither do we get to “quit” when life’s requirements are tedious or painful. Any mom who has lumbered through her ninth month of pregnancy in August knows what I mean. Our daughters need the mental toughness that will help them persevere, as moms, through the physical pains of childbirth and the months of bone-wearying, sleepless nights that may follow. Both our sons and daughters need to practice overcoming  their bodies’ complaints, learning to transcend tiredness, pain, and monotony for the sake of a worthy goal.

It’s physical perseverance, for sure, but even more importantly it’s mental discipline, a requirement for growing in virtue. One young mom I know works two jobs right now, while pregnant with her second child, because her husband cannot find work.  Exhausting? Yes, but she’s got the discipline and the fortitude to push through fatigue and mental discouragement, eyes firmly fixed on one goal: keeping her family solvent. She has what it takes to “just do it.”

When it comes right down to it, living the virtuous life is often a matter of “just doing it,” step-by-step perseverance in the ordinary duties of our vocation. My husband was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease at the young age of 42. Every physical movement now, ten years later, from walking to getting dressed to typing on his Blackberry, takes the mental toughness of a quarter-miler running repeat intervals on a swelteringly hot day. He can’t quit just because the routine’s gotten old and no spectators are cheering on the sidelines of his daily challenge. For my sons, the daily discipline of working out—whether they feel like it or not—will, I hope, give them the capacity to persevere, to rise above the physical sufferings they will surely endure in their own lives, in the same way that their father perseveres in his.

The best thing about sports, however, just as in life, is that sometimes we can catch a glimpse of heaven, knowing that, “I have fought the good fight.  I have finished the race. “ [2 Tim 4:7] Our kids can experience the satisfaction of training well, giving their best, and finishing the race utterly spent but down-deep happy. The uninhibited joy of a last-minute touchdown, the elation of a best time, and the unity of a team effort all foreshadow a bit of the joy of heaven.

Our kids will have their own Olympic moments if we train them well.  More than likely it will not be in front of worldwide TV cameras, but alone on the field, the track or in the pool—when they push on even though it hurts and they just “don’t want to.” Later in life, the cumulative value of their Olympic moments will be much greater than a gold medal sitting in a safe deposit box.  It all adds up to priceless virtue and saintly character that will bring them across the finish line to an eternal reward. Now that’s real victory in my book.

(c) 2010 Mary Rice Hasson

This column first appeared at Phases of Womanhood.

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Right or Wrong? Archbishop Chaput to Lesbians: Your Kids Must Leave Catholic School.

It’s an inflammatory decision, for sure.  In his weekly column, Archbishop Charles Chaput of Denver reaffirmed the Diocesan decision not to allow a lesbian couple to re-enroll their two children in a parish school. (One of the children would be in kindergarten, the other in preschool, at Sacred Heart of Jesus School in Boulder.)  While he acknowledged the “human side of a painful situation,” the Archbishop stated that letting the children attend would compromise the school’s mission and its ability to offer coherent moral teaching; it would create untenable stress for the children, the lesbian couple, the staff, and parents of other students as well.

Was it the right decision? His critics include Catholic parents plus the expected contingent of gay rights supporters. They’ve not been kind, hurling harsh accusations towards the Archbishop and the Church in general.  Some see the decision as hypocritical,    given the sexual disorder in the Church’s own clerical households. Others question how the Diocese can distinguish between parents who disregard Church teachings on contraception and divorce (and whose children remain enrolled) and a lesbian couple in violation of Church teachings on chastity and marriage (whose children were rejected for admission).  They frame the issue as one of sexual privacy, casting the specter of sexual inquisitions before parents can enroll their children in Catholic school. (One cynic mocked Archbishop Chaput’s decision saying, “I think in the interest of consistency, they should have someone stationed at the church doors doing cavity checks to determine if contraceptive devices are being used by the parents.”  And many, many goodhearted people worry that the “sins of the parents” are being visited upon the children, inflicting a “punishment” that the children do not deserve.

No Ambiguity on Lesbian Relationships

While my heart goes out to the children, the lesbian partners, not Archbishop Chaput, have created this difficulty. The Archbishop notes that the school’s Catholic mission, which it shares with parents, is to provide “an education shaped by Catholic faith and moral formation.” He points out that there’s nothing ambiguous about the Church’s teachings on marriage and sexuality: “[S]exual intimacy by anyone outside marriage is wrong… marriage is a sacramental covenant [that] can only occur between a man and a woman.  These beliefs are central to a Catholic understanding of human nature, family and happiness, and the organization of society.” The Catechism of the Catholic Church gets more specific: sexual expression and marriage depend on “physical, moral, and spiritual difference and complementarity.” Citing Scripture and tradition, the Church insists that, “‘homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.’ They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life.…Under no circumstances can they be approved.”

The lesbian couple’s mere presence in the school community creates ambiguity about moral truth and risks silencing the Church’s voice—within that community–on marriage and sexuality. The lesbians expect to be treated just like the married parents of other children–showing up together at school assemblies, helping on the lunch line, or visiting the classroom, a situation sure to create confusion among other children.  What should a teacher say when a student asks why the lesbians’ child has two mommies but everyone else has only one? No one wants to offend the twosome or hurt their feelings or the children’s. And teachers and parents certainly don’t want to explain lesbian coupling before they have to, either. Yet saying nothing and pretending that this couple is just like any other set of parents sends an erroneous message to the entire school community: it suggests that their sexual relationship is normal, moral, and equivalent to marriage. The Church teaches otherwise.

A silent Church is a Church unfaithful to its mission. School officials and the Archbishop acknowledge the problem, saying that kind-hearted teachers will not feel free to teach the truth if they “worry about wounding the feelings of their students or about alienating students from their parents.  That isn’t fair to anyone—including the wider school community.”  Archbishop Chaput’s gutsy decision to refuse enrollment to the children takes the muzzle off his teachers and “protect[s] all parties involved, including the children of homosexual couples and the couples themselves.”

What about the suggestion that gay couples are singled out for exclusion while contracepting or divorced couples are not? Here’s the difference as I see it.  It’s likely that other parents at the school have failed to live up to their marriage vows (and the Church’s teachings) in some way or another.  They may be divorced and remarried outside the Church, contracepting or sterilized, perusing pornography or having an affair.  And certainly most of them—all of us in fact–are at times self-centered, unforgiving, unkind, lazy or irresponsible in our family duties. We can fail to live the truth of marriage in endless ways.  But however much we fall short, we are still attempting to live marriage as the Church understands it.   Not so with the lesbian couple. Gay sexual relationships, lived publicly and asserting a moral equivalence with marriage, turn the truth about marriage on its head.  They attempt to rebrand a disordered sexual relationship as “marriage” and themselves as otherwise-typical parents. As such, they are a “serious counter-witness” to the Church’s mission to educate in light of the truths of Catholic faith and morality.

Archbishop Chaput was right.  Enrolling the children elsewhere is the best solution for all concerned.

(c) 2010 Mary Rice Hasson

Read more at Phases of Womanhood

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“Mom, I almost got killed last night.”

“Mom, I almost got killed last night.”

No mom wants to hear those words—although a call from someone else, without the “almost,” certainly would have been worse. This is a story of a miracle—of prayers answered before the need was known.

I’d been praying extra hard all week for our son Jim, for no particular reason. He had midterms but otherwise life was good. No worries, as he often says.  But God’s nudges can’t be ignored. The entire week, He’d been prompting me to pray more often and more earnestly for my children, and Jim in particular.  Now I know why.

Jim drove to O’Hare Airport and dropped his lovely girlfriend off for her flight home to Atlanta for spring break.  Turning back towards Notre Dame, driving his girlfriend’s car, he hoped traffic would keep moving so he’d get some sleep before the next day’s 5 a.m. ROTC training and his own last day of class.  Dark now, traffic on I-90 was heavy for a weeknight but thankfully zipped along at 70 mph. A half-hour into the drive, passing Chicago on his left, Jim’s long legs began to rebel.  He’s a big guy, 6’1” and athletic, and foot space was cramped in the girlfriend-sized car.

He stretched his right leg—perhaps too fast—and his knee knocked the keys right out of the ignition—at 70 mph.  In an instant, he was no longer driving, but trapped in an uncontrolled, 2-ton, rolling hazard with no brakes and no steering. Car after car barreled up behind him on the dark highway, only to swerve or slam on the brakes at the last minute as they realized he was decelerating and out of control. He was a slowing target, a rear-end collision waiting to happen. Flashers on, he tried to restart the car, but the ignition was locked. He would have to coast until he lost enough speed to use the hand brake, put the car in park, and restart. 70, 60, 50, 40, 30.  The speedometer crawled slowly downward and the headlights behind him came up faster and faster, swerving with inches to spare. In the darkness and heavy traffic, cars behind him had almost no time to react. Praying, Jim knew it was only a matter of time before he’d be hit.

But then the van showed up.

Jim didn’t see who was driving, but I suspect it was his guardian angel.  A dark van came up behind him but, instead of swerving aside, it braked, threw on its own flashers, and stayed behind Jim, decelerating with him. At risk of being rear-ended first, the van driver created a buffer zone behind Jim.  Together they slowed–30, 25, 20 mph–while cars whipped past them still going 60, 70 miles an hour. The van stayed behind him, giving him space and safety.  At 15 mph, Jim wrenched the car’s gears into park (yes, the transmission survived) and was able to restart the car. Shaky, and with a profound sense of God’s intervention, Jim accelerated towards home.  The van disappeared in the traffic. More than a minute of terror, but with a miraculous finish.

About the same time, across hundreds of miles, another miracle was taking place, and another mom likely heard similar words: ‘Mom, I almost got killed today.’ A young Marine, out on patrol in Afghanistan, stepped on an IED. Usually, that means death, disfiguring burns, or missing limbs. The explosion sent him flying across a field, but inexplicably he landed in one piece, suffering only a concussion. His grandma, whose email I received through a military-moms prayer chain, witnessed to the power of prayer: “[P]raise be to God, he walked away with only a concussion.  Keep up those prayers!“

Two miracles in one week—how can I miss God’s message? Our prayers matter. And it’s irrelevant whether I know why I need to pray for someone—I just need to do it. Those stray thoughts, memories out of the blue, or nagging feelings might be God prompting us to pray for someone whose private crisis or need is unknown to us. Only God knows the best result in a given situation—but we know He hears us. And fulfilling our promises to pray for others, whether we make that commitment through a prayer chain, in conversation, or at Mass, binds us mysteriously to those who receive our prayers. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

Our prayers do make a difference.  And I am so grateful.

© 2010 Mary Rice Hasson

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Condoms for 12-year-olds

(Warning: graphic)

Sorry to spoil your breakfast, folks, with revolting news, but you should know about this. The largest Swiss manufacturer of condoms announced a new product launch last week: condoms, size extra small, designed to fit boys as young as 12.  Why the push? According to the latest Swiss government-funded study, more 12-14 year-old boys than ever are having sex—and they are doing it without condoms. Man-size “protection” apparently doesn’t fit and falls off (a problem shared by nearly 25% of teens, according to a German study).

So, are we surprised that a boy’s child-size anatomy—which goes along with his child-size emotions, understanding, and judgment—doesn’t fit into daddy’s prophylactic? The Swiss apparently are. The researchers declared themselves “shocked” that “young boys… display apparently risky behaviour. They have more of a tendency not to protect themselves. They do not have a very developed sexual knowledge. They do not understand the consequences of what they are doing….” (Emphasis added).

So they need condoms? What, in Narnia packaging or an Avatar-blue color? Maybe they should stock them right next to the Nintendo DS games at Toys-R-Us. Nah, this isn’t a game—it’s all about health. Better stick them next to the neon Bandaids. And price them singly, so a 12-year-old doesn’t spend his whole allowance on protection and have nothing left for Doritos after school. Oh yes, they’ve already named the condoms– “Hotshots,” a double-entendre striving to be cool.

Morality aside, what are these adults thinking? Parenting 101 says that when a kid doesn’t understand the consequences of certain behavior, he’s nowhere near ready to do it (whatever “it” may be).  At best, these adults are idiots.

Unfortunately, I really don’t think they are. The whole thing feels creepy to me, evil in fact.  Any 12-year-old boy engaging in sex needs a parent—not a condom–to protect him. If he’s having sex with someone older, the law calls that abuse, sexual assault, or rape. And if he’s experimenting with a peer, he needs an adult to step in and prevent it precisely because the kids “do not understand the consequences of what they are doing.”

This condom ploy is about two things: money and license. For the condom company, greed tramples any real concern for children. Lamprecht AG, the Swiss condom manufacturer, boasts of its intent to market the extra small condom in the United Kingdom next: “the UK is certainly a very attractive market since there is a very high rate of underage conception.” (Sounds like Planned Parenthood, here in the U.S., which makes huge amounts of money dispensing contraceptives and providing abortions.) There’s money to be made. Like any company trying to grow a market, Lamprecht AG ultimately must “grow” the need. They make money off the extra small condom only if more children have more sex. Good for kids? No way.  Good for Lamprecht? Absolutely.

Worse than the condom company, in my view, are the professionals complicit in this whole effort—the Swiss government, the family planning advocates, and the AIDS activists.  They all pushed for development of the kid-sized condom, even though they know the research shows that sex is not good for kids. They are well aware that young children who are sexually active may indeed be the victims of abuse.

They don’t care. Their agenda is to brand sexual license– in all its variations, with any number and combination of genders–as normative and beneficial. Sex, in this view, has all the moral significance of a damn-good back scratch. Emotional significance? Only if the participants choose to invest it with meaning.

And the only sin is to fail to use protection…which brings us back to where we started.

Lamprecht AG, the maker of the Hotshot condom for kids, declares that, “Wellness is our business.” What they really mean is they’re banking on doing well in the “sexualizing your kids” business.

How do you feel about that?

Contact them online at http://www.lamprechtag.com/contact.jsp?l=0

© 2010 Mary Rice Hasson

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Tweeting Abortion

My heart is so sad.  I just watched the chilling YouTube video by Angie Jackson, a Florida mom undergoing an abortion at-home using RU-486. Angie wants the world to experience her abortion with her—so she’s “tweeting” about, in graphic detail and with appalling coldness. Her purpose? According to her video, she hopes to “demystify abortion” so that women will know, “It’s just not that bad.”  Her tweets themselves tell a different and tragic story.

For those who twitter, see hashtag #livetweetingabortion.  For those who don’t, Jill Stanek, a pro-life activist, reprints Angie’s tweets hereFoxABC, and others also covered the story but with few quotes from the tweets themselves. I think it’s important to read the Twitter posts, not to condemn Angie but to understand who she is and the misery wrought by her adult choices.  (Her wretched childhood, rife with religious exploitation and sexual abuse, scarred her soul. She calls herself an anti-theist.)

I am so sad, for Angie and women like her.  Her child is now with God.  Angie remains in her own internal pain.  She says she’s been astonished by the outcry over her tweets, in which she calls her baby a “parasite,” “tapeworm,” and a “squatter” and celebrates death (“Yay, I’m bleeding.”) How does a heart become so callous? And what kind of doublethink causes a mom–with a four-year-old son whom she loves—to depersonalize her unborn child in such appalling terms?

Angie’s reactions, chronicled by impulsive tweets, capture a dark reality that contradicts her scripted rhetoric. In one interview, she called her boyfriend “completely supportive,” citing his ready agreement to pay for the abortion.  Her real-life tweets curse him for leaving dishes in the sink while she’s in pain that even Vicodin can’t dim. She claims she’s “relieved to see how simple it’s been,”  while her posts bemoan the failure of the first round of meds, the drawn-out process (at least a week from start to finish), the cramping, and the pain. While her interview says an RU-486 abortion is like a “menstrual period,” she repeatedly talks about her need for support, to avoid feeling shame, to lessen the taboo of abortion.  Since when do most women feel a taboo, shame or in need of support to cope with their monthly period?

Most revealing, she says, in a Facebook Q & A , “I had imagined, naively, that people would accept it [the abortion] because I’m in a committed relationship. I was monogamous. I was using protection. I had a kid. I have health risks. We paid for this out of pocket and not out of any taxpayer means. If I can’t talk about my first trimester abortion, which was legal and in my case life-saving, then who the hell can talk about her abortion?”

This is a woman who desperately wants approval for what she’s done.  She, like others who become militantly pro-abortion, wants the whitewash of “normalcy” to camouflage her awful choice—and her even-worse decision to provide play-by-play coverage.

Angie desperately wants to silence the whisper of God in her own heart. But unlike the clamor of condemnation from some harsh pro-lifers, God’s whisper is a message of His love, steadfastness, and forgiveness.  And it’s a whisper so powerful that it can open even the hardest heart. Ironically, Angie’s inability to still the whisper gives us hope—hope that she’ll take the armor of hurt off her own heart and hear the God who loves her.

Angie, I hope you’ll tweet again when you’ve found the love that never fails. And in the meantime, even in sadness, I’ll be praying for you.

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Bump+ and the Fatal Flaw

Today, on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, a new web-based series,  “BUMP+,” serves the abortion issue up to the American public in a new way.  The 13-week series unfolds the stories of three women facing crisis pregnancies. What’s unusual about this series is that the ending is not yet written—whether the characters in BUMP+  will give birth or abort their children depends on viewer input.

The creators of BUMP maintain that they are not taking sides, just pursuing an “open, honest exploration” of abortion in hopes of uncovering a solution.  Inspired by President Obama’s Notre Dame speech, calling for a civil conversation about abortion, Catholic entrepreneur Dominic Iocco decided to try something new.  He believes that people on both sides of the issue need to understand each other better—and that stories allow us to engage issues more deeply than slogans or talking points.

BUMP is a reality-style series that unfolds the proverbial “hard cases:” an immature single woman with two kids, pregnant with a third, and living with an abusive boyfriend, the military wife finally pregnant—but by another man–while her husband soldiers in Iraq, and the nursing student with a career trajectory and two prior abortions. As the press release puts it: “The final cliffhanger is so unpredictable, even the writers and producers don’t know how the series will end. From Juno and Bella to Glee and Desperate Housewives, a woman’s right to choose has been explored across the media landscape. What makes BUMP+ different?  We’re letting the viewers decide how our characters’ stories will end. We’ve opened the official website to comments and invited people to share their personal stories. Our team will craft the final episodes, including the ultimate decision about each pregnancy, based on audience feedback. “

The trouble I have with this series, however, has nothing to do with how the vote turns out.  Either pro-life or pro-choice advocates could pack the comments, outnumbering the other side or providing the compelling stories that make scriptwriters take notice.  I suspect that the writers will literally split the baby—one or two of the fictitious unborn children will make it, while one or two will not. Perhaps the creative types behind the series will even portray a decision to abort as a mistake, no matter how trying the circumstances.

My worry is that the overall format of the show—with its theme of “you decide”– plays right into the hands of those who believe there is no truth about abortion.

After 13 weeks of dramatic, emotional engagement, a decision–either pro-abortion or pro-life– is most likely to persuade the viewer of the most damaging fiction of all: “It was a hard decision, but she did what she felt was right.  She made the right choice for her situation.”  Who am I to judge?

And that’s the real evil stalking American culture: the highest ideal is the exercise of individual choice. Its insidious corollary is that “good” inevitably happens when I decide—or because I decide.  And the more agonized, deeply felt, or even wrenching my choice is, the more unassailable it becomes.  It’s my decision—I feel it, I own it—so it must be right for me. For the reigning relativists who dominate the media and walk the halls of Congress,  “choice” makes “right.”

Back to BUMP… the idea is brilliant—an interactive approach to engage cultural issues. But its fundamental message, I believe, is fatally flawed. The overriding “you decide” message validates the American fiction that the only “wrong” is to fail to make your own decision, sincerely and reflectively.  When it comes to solving the problem of a difficult pregnancy, the question of objective right or wrong never even enters the conversation. In the series pilot, the sincere doctor-character expresses the relativist’s creed perfectly: he reassures the military wife, poignantly indecisive and alone, that,  “We’re here to support you to make the best decision you can.” The “right thing” is for each woman to make the choice that she feels is right for her (or, put differently, that makes her feel right).

I say, don’t play that game. Relativism is the real evil here—the fatal flaw that results in real lives being lost.  For thousands of women today—and their unborn children—abortion is not a pseudo-reality show. It’s life or death.

And God knows, even if our nation forgets, that the choice to take the life of an innocent baby can never, ever be right.  End of story.

Mary Hasson, an attorney and writer in the Washington, D.C. area, is the mother of seven children, ages 8-24, and has been married to Seamus for 25 years.  When she’s not writing, she’s likely to be found cheering loudly on the sidelines of soccer games or out on a good run.

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Filed under Abortion, Children, Contraception, Family, Moms and Motherhood, Parenting, Policy and Culture, Sexuality, Women