Tag Archives: marriage

Same-Sex Marriage: Lessons in Conscience

At first glance, there’s nothing impressive about Laura Fotusky. Her soft, middle-aged figure, unremarkable cardigan, and dark, ‘80s-style hair capture the plain ordinariness of small-town America.

Nothing chic or trendy here.

But Laura grabbed headlines recently, standing tall to answer the call of conscience against the power of law. She resigned from her job as Barker Town Clerk, a position that would require her to issue marriage licenses to gays and lesbians once the newly passed “Marriage Equality Act” becomes New York law on July 24.

Why resign from a fulfilling job when unemployment tops nine percent?

Conscience.

That’s the same word that gay advocates pulled out to laud New York State Senator Mark Grisanti, a Republican from Buffalo, for his balance-tipping vote in favor of homosexual marriage. He too earned headlines, as homosexual activists across the country hailed him as a “hero” for “voting his conscience.”

Only thirty-five miles apart geographically, Laura Fotusky and Mark Grisanti stand worlds apart on the meaning of conscience. The contrast between them is itself a powerful lesson.

Conscience means more than ‘what I think is right.’ Conscience is “a way of obedience to objective truth.” So taught the brilliant, and saintly, intellectual— Cardinal John Henry Newman.

Clerk Fotusky searched for truth by looking upwards, to the Truth-giver. She read His Book and bowed to its authority“[T]here is a higher law than the law of the land,” she said. “It is the law of God in the Bible…The Bible clearly teaches that God created marriage between male and female.”

Politician Grisanti sought truth by scanning left and right on the political horizon. He looked right as he wooed Christian churches, particularly African-American ones, campaigning on the promise that he was unalterably opposed to gay marriage.” (See his 2008 letter here.)

Post-election, he looked left, bending a listening ear towards LGBT lobbyists and fielding pro-gay calls from Governor Cuomo and tweets from Lady Gaga.

Finally, Grisanti sought the truth about same-sex marriage by looking inward, to his “personal belief” (a temptation Pope Benedict once described as “self-sufficient subjectivity”). Before, Grisanti said, “I simply opposed it [same-sex marriage] in the Catholic sense of my upbringing.” But now, for this pressure-filled vote on same-sex marriage, Grisanti announced he would seek truth by relying on “reason” bereft of faith.

And so, like the politician who peels off his suit coat when it’s time to “get real,” Grisanti peeled off his faith to gay applause because it was time to “take the Catholic out of me.”

Wrong move, for any serious seeker of truth.

Newman insisted, according to Pope Benedict XVI, that, “freedom of conscience” does not mean “the right…’to ignore a Lawgiver and Judge.’” Put differently, one who seeks truth in good conscience cannot ignore God, who is Truth.

When Grisanti closed his eyes to God’s truth, he stumbled into a blind alley, hopelessly lost. Defending his decision to support same-sex marriage, Grisanti asked, “Who am I to say that someone does not have the same rights that I have with my wife, who I love…?”

In his moral myopia, marriage looks like a fuzzy framework that honors his loving feelings for his wife. But marriage bestows rights not because of the couple’s feelings but because their sexual union as male and female, unlike the sexual activity of two males or two females, quite naturally produces children–children who need the stable union of their own mother and father, a commitment secured by marriage.

What about our other truth-seeker, Laura Fotusky?

For her, ignoring God was never an option. Her search for truth brought her face-to-face with Him.  And she found her answer.

“Since I love and follow Him, I cannot put my signature on something that is against God…I would be compromising my moral conscience if I participated in the licensing procedure.”

With no option but to “choose between my God and my job,” she resigned.

For her faithfulness, she’s been rewarded with sneers from the liberal elites. The Daily Beast, eschewing the respectful convention of capitalizing God’s name, smirked that, “maybe god wanted her to be unemployed?”

No matter. Laura’s courage and clarity of conscience don’t depend on others’ approval, only God’s. And she’s not alone. Other officials, like Supervisor Karl Brabenec of Deer Park (a Catholic), have resigned as well, citing conscience.

And Grisanti? Political expediency labeled “conscience” has proven quite profitable. Days after his vote for same-sex marriage, Grisanti’s re-election campaign received over $50,000 in donations from national advocates of gay rights, including $10,000 each from New York Mayor Bloomberg and Tim Gill (the financial engine driving the same-sex marriage train).  And while Republicans aren’t happy with Grisanti, one journalist reported that, “Democratic party regulars are chasing Grisanti like hormonal tweens chasing Justin Bieber at the airport.”

Life seems good for Mark Grisanti.  When he looks in the mirror, he feels “wiser today” than “yesterday.”

But life’s even better for Laura Fotusky. She says, “I’ve made my choice, and no one means to me what Jesus means.”

And in the end, conscience is not about pleasing the person we see in the mirror.

It’s about pleasing the Person we see for all eternity.

© 2011 Mary Rice Hasson

 

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Filed under Catholicism, Marriage, Policy and Culture, Relationships

The Good Marriage: One Simple Secret

I couldn’t help but notice their chemistry.

Paul and Lynn were our unexpected dinner companions, joining our small group for a delicious seafood dinner. The meal was fabulous, truly, but not nearly as memorable as this delightful couple.

Their enviable relationship was the fruit of fifty years of marriage, some very hard times, and one secret—the secret, I discovered, that can make nearly every marriage better.

It’s been a tough year for marriage, in my world.

Four couples I care about are divorcing this year after 13, 17, 24, and 28 years together. Their backgrounds, hometowns, and stories all differ.  Some are parting for just cause; others for the excitement offered elsewhere. But twenty children (the combined total from the four families) now share a common, painful experience: lives turned upside down, families fractured, and hearts broken.

Recently I stumbled across an interview with writer Nora Ephron, a frank and usually funny woman.  But she spoke seriously about divorce: “There are a lot of people who get divorced and several years later they think, ‘Hmm, was I really that bored?’ …Don’t kid yourself that your kids are OK. The kids are really not alright. It doesn’t mean they don’t survive; it’s just, don’t kid yourself that kids like leaving one house to go to another. It’s not what they’re built for…. It’s tough for kids; it just is.”

Even when divorce is the right solution for an untenable situation, like abuse, it wounds not just the couple but the families and friends who love them both.

So my heart smiled within minutes of meeting this pair, Paul and Lynn. They glowed with love for each other—twinkled together, really–as Lynn shared their plans to celebrate fifty years of marriage with a ten-day cruise to Alaska.

When she spoke, his eyes shone with tenderness and crinkled in smiling delight.  He listened, really listened, when she talked. No glazed eyes or dismissive looks; no wavering attention or a wandering eye. He really wanted to hear what she was saying over dinner. No matter that they’d already shared some 17,000 dinner discussions. He was as attentive that night as if it were their first conversation.

And her face sparkled, with both youthful affection and mature love, as she talked about him, the life they had shared, and the years ahead. She enjoyed him, leaning forward to catch his soft-spoken words, touching him affectionately, and anticipating his needs before he did. It was unself-conscious and real.

But I was sure that it hadn’t come easy.

Over the years, I’ve mentored many women in marriage and motherhood and gratefully learned much from those who’ve mentored me.  I approached Lynn in that spirit as we mingled after dinner. Thinking of the pain in my friends’ relationships, I wondered, how do Paul and Lynn repair marital rifts that tear other marriages apart? What keeps love flickering and then roaring back to life when human weakness, failings, and sin threaten to smother it? What’s the secret to a marriage like theirs?

So I asked Lynn.  She paused, but only for a few seconds, and said.

“It’s simple, but it’s not easy…

“It’s what’s in your heart. You’ve got to LOVE each other. We’re happy because I do things for him and he does things for me. That’s what love means… I do things for him and he does things for me.”

It was how they lived their life: I do things for him and he does things for me.

As she talked, it became clear that the “things” they’ve done for one another were way beyond the “pick-up-his-socks” and “surprise-her-by doing-the dishes” things suggested in typical marriage columns. Their mutual “doing” carried them across parched deserts and through tumultuous rapids—past the dangerous places where marriages die. It was no easy feat.

They were married at 18, had four kids, moved many times, and endured years of penny-pinching.  At times, Paul worked two jobs and Lynn did double duty at home.  And when he was unemployed, she worked and he scrimped. They survived teenage turmoil without turning on each other and avoided the blame game for their money troubles.

This attitude of heart–I do things for him and he does things for me—was woven into the fabric of their life, carrying them through new trials even at later stages. With children launched, finances eased.  But life challenged them anew. A once in a lifetime business venture to secure their retirement carried high costs: a move to a different continent, selling everything and leaving adult kids and grandkids behind.

It tested them mightily. Lynn was miserable. She missed her family, friends, church, and the familiarity of life stateside. She wanted to leave. And Paul listened. She had come there for him and he’d move now for her. While leaving the country was not possible yet, moving within the city was. Lynn would choose. They moved from the city apartment that was perfect for Paul, close to work, to a village near the sea, where Lynn could create a home, find friends and a place to worship.  And two years later, they would return to the U.S., back to family and friends.

As in times past, their common pledge–that simple secret–kept them going. I do things for him and he does things for me.

“It takes work,” Lynn said. “If you’re gonna love each other, you’ve got to ask what the other person needs. And then give it.  You’re in this together. That’s why I say, I do things for him and he does things for me.”

Fifty years had stoked their passion and fifty years had burnt away selfishness. Deep inside their hearts, an everlasting ember gave off sparks of joy, delight, warmth, and affection at regular intervals. Theirs is a mutual love that says, I do things for him and he does things for me.

For me, I’ve learned a new shorthand for the theological truths of “mutual self-gift,” “sacrificial love,” and “finding fulfillment by giving yourself to another in love.”

“I do things for him and he does things for me.”

Much more memorable, don’t you think? And that’s the secret of a good marriage.

© 2010 Mary Rice Hasson

 

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Filed under Family, Lessons Learned, Marriage, Men, Relationships, Women

Fantasies in Marriage: Spice or Spoiler?

“You’ve got to see these photos of Lori!

Rob sidled over to a group of neighbors at the party, flipping open the pocket album even as he spoke.  Lori, his wife of ten years, trailed behind, smiling gamely. But her eyes looked unsure.

“Great. Let’s see.”

Rob must have captured some interesting shots on their recent dive trip to Bermuda, I thought. Maybe he snapped Lori riding a rickety tourist bike along the beautiful beach. Or got an underwater shot of her swimming near the reefs alongside brilliant, tropical fish.

Curious, I looked at the open pages.

For a moment, I was confused. Who was that? The woman staring back at me from photo after photo, as Rob turned the pages, had smoky eyes, tousled hair, and wore more feathers than clothes.

“Hey, hey, look at that one. She looks great, doesn’t she?”

Lori?

“Yeah, that’s Lori.” He raved.  “Stunning, isn’t she?” By “she,” he meant “glamour shot Lori.” The very real Lori standing next to him, fairly pretty but ignored, drew no compliments–at least not while the illusory, fantasized-about “Lori” was on proud display.

Actually, I thought Rob was stunning. Stunningly insensitive. Demeaning, too.

They divorced eighteen months later. No kids, just scuba gear to divvy up.

I wasn’t surprised, really. But I wondered if they’d gotten some bum advice along the way.

These days, the go-to resources on relationships and marriage sound a common theme: married couples should freely indulge in sexual fantasies about “someone else,” even while making love with their spouse.

Some therapists go further, saying it’s “unhealthy … to not have sexual fantasies.”  These  marriage “experts” argue that mental movies—of an airbrushed, made-over spouse (like Lori), an imagined, seductive stranger, or a memorable past lover–harm no one.  As long as the fantasy stays in the head, why not?

Besides, they say, fantasies spice up a couple’s love life: mental “action” with the fantasy partner stimulates creativity and physical energy with the real person between the sheets. It’s passion refueled by the imagined responses of a wished-for lover.

The problem with this “fantastic” advice is that it’s all wrong.

For starters, passion rekindled by a fantasy lover is passion for a substitute, real or imagined—it’s not passion for the spouse at all. The spouse in bed functions as a placeholder, an understudy to the real drama occurring in the other’s mind.

Sooner or later it becomes obvious.

Have you ever tried to have an important conversation with someone whose mind was elsewhere? It doesn’t work. Most people can tell if the other person’s not really “there.” The conversation is unsatisfying; the lack of engagement insulting.

But if it happens during one of the most naturally intimate moments a couple can share, the damage is sure to be even greater. Fantasizing about a desired lover—and disengaging from the real spouse–has the potential to inflict deep wounds on the spouse who is displaced. Even therapists who encourage fantasizing warn that fantasies should be revealed cautiously, if at all, to a spouse, because the non-fantasizing partner naturally feels offended, hurt, or cheated upon. It’s human nature.

Fantasies hurt more than feelings, however. They destroy love.

And that’s the real flaw in the sexperts’ advice: they worry more about maximizing individual pleasure than expressing mutual love. In their world, sex is merely a physical dance always in search of more imagination, better choreography, or even a new, inspirational partner. The dancer aims to please him or herself—dancing in sync with another is only a means to exquisite personal pleasure.

Love—and lovemaking between spouses—can’t be reduced to a solo performance or expanded to a mental audition, open to all.

Sexual love is an intimate, person-to-person encounter. It has deep meaning precisely because of who the two people are: a married couple who have given themselves to each other, with a promise of exclusive, committed love.

Pretending that a spouse is really someone else is just as contradictory as smuggling a third person in under the covers—even an imaginary person.

And as a practical matter, fantasizing quite literally makes the “unthinkable” thinkable.  The heart and mind are halfway out the door once permission’s granted to mentally pursue someone else.  So it was for Rob and Lori, anyway.

So forget the “experts.”

Put your energy into real love. You just might discover it’s way more satisfying than any fantasy trip ever could be.

 

(c) 2010 Mary Rice Hasson

More of Mary’s columns can be read at Catholic News Agency

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Filed under Lessons Learned, Men, Relationships, Sexuality, Women